The entire TE squad is walking down the beach in Puerto Rico, hammered would be a polite way to put it. T Fresh, Chad, Freddy, Eric, Shake, Lopez ,Tony Stark, a few girls that came on the trip Ashley, Nicole, Maddie (fake names for their benefit) and myself. However we’re missing someone?
Where the fuck is Arthur? I yell out to Shake, he turns around and gives me this look:
Where's your backpack? I follow up
Same hands up like ---
In that little backpack, not only were both of our Rolex’s, we also had our camera that we just bought for the trip as well as everyone’s iPhone’s, and passports.
This is the level of fucked up our group is as a whole. Mind you, the sun is still shining and we’re less than 12 hours into this vacation. To have a dozen plus people all so drunk that none could give 2 shits where their lives are (their iPhone) is the picture I’m trying to paint for you.
Now if you don't know, I usually aim to get everyone as fucked up as possible, while staying somewhat alive or more alive than the rest. Shots over the shoulders, stuff like that. So in this moment, I am trying to recall where this backpack with $50,000 worth of goodies was left.
I turn around and off in the distant, I can see Arthur. Ok he's alive, and he's holding something in his hand, fuck yea he has the backpack. We live to fight another day! Now wait a second where is he going?
“ARTHUR NOOO!!” I scream
He is sprinting in the ocean trying to pull a Michael Phelps thinking he can swim to us faster than walking. Again revert back to exhibit A of how hammered we are. I let go of Maddie’s ass…..
and sprint down to Arthur however the damage is done. I may have ran track in college however I am no Usain Bolt nor is Arthur making much progress swimming, however, one fact is settled. This backpack has been fully submerged in the ocean at least a dozen time.
(surveying the damage, Maddie is not thrilled to say the least)
Brand new Canon DSLR full of ocean water, shot. IPhones are a mixed bag. Half are broken, mine luckily is completely fine. I think Shake’s iPhone was the only one to break -- lucky guy! It was a worthy shakeout, we still have the gold rolex’s and our passports. The rest can be replaced. The party continues, now at this point we make it back to our 2 rental cars, and decide to all pile into one and head back to the house to continue the day's festivities.
The day continues to fade as we have dinner and continue into the night where the drinking slows to a pace similar of trading volume on a Friday in August. We have a long weekend ahead of us, patience my friends, patience.
The next morning we plan to head to some waterfalls, we make some steak and eggs, few rounds of flip cup and some shots and were ready to leave. We piled into the rental car however Shake coming running to my car, saying that the rental car was stolen.
Myself fuzzily remembering the day prior, knowing that we left the car at the beach, reminds him of this however he is adamant I am mistaken.
“Would you like to bet on it?” I ask
“Fuck yea, name it!” Shake replies with confidence.
“$10,000 the car is in the parking lot at the pool bar”, I say calmly
“Done, you better get your checkbook ready!” Shake and replies with the utmost confidence.
At this point, everyone else is also starting to realize that yes the car is at that lot. Especially for the fact that I have the key to said stolen rental car in my hand. We roll by and the only car in the parking lot is, you guessed it, our rental car. Shake where that check though!
(Shake note - some friend Bennett is, holding the keys the whole time)
We make it to the waterfalls and are shown around by some locals. We’re chilling having a good time, drinking some beers, exchanging war stories. We start to look around and we’re one guy short. Where the fuck is Tony Stark? We quickly forget since we are watching the girls fall off the rope swing in the tiny thong bikinis that I bought for them and figure he's just taking a piss somewhere -- only to see him pop up at the top of the waterfall.
The local’s only speak Spanish and from the rate and tone of how they are speaking, they are not too thrilled to see our buddy hovering over the top of this waterfall 50+ feet in the air. Luckily half of our group can speak fluent Spanish (I am not a part of this lucky group). We come to find out that the high isn't the problem, it's that the water is very shallow and they have seen people break bones, and even one person die (as they claimed). This might be PR however this isn't fucking America, there isn't a hospital for a hundred miles.
Normally I would be down to join that jump however the thought of breaking a leg out here, fuck that. Very hard to get laid when your legs don't work. After a tense 30 minutes, Stark makes the jump as we fear that the first TE trip is going to end with a member dying. He makes the leap, however he does not get the best dismount since the rocks were covered in moss. You can see his body start to head for the water at a 45% angle that does not look pleasant. He smacks the water with a loud thud and you can tell that shit HURT. Stark took it like a champ though. We all knew he was in a fuck ton of pain gauging from half of his body that was beat red however he didn't show it. Raise a glass for the guy.
It's now time for us to get the fuck out of there before the liquid courage kicks in and another member nearly kills themselves so we leave the waterfalls and head out to dinner at an oceanfront restaurant/bar that we have been casually spending $3,000 a day at feeding the gang and making sure there's food and round of drinks flowing.
I am seated with Nicole to my left, Maddie to my right and Ashley across from me. All of whom have been essentially playing games against each other to win my approval. In this weird twisted game, their goal is to sleep with me in the most ridiculous places on this trip to get back at each other, I am just a pawn on this chessboard. Ashley checked off the pool, Nicole claimed the outdoor shower, Maddie got Shakes room when he wasn't there (sorry Shake), Ashley took the golden star for the ocean, Nicole checked off T Fresh’s shower and bedroom (sorry T Fresh). It was just an endless game. I know, cue up the baby violin.
However at dinner, Maddie decided to bring this game to a new level. Prior this little game was behind closed doors, them complaining to me about hearing or seeing me with the other girls and to punish me they would immediately sleep with me. Crazy right?
(Game planning their revenge against Ashley was for them both to sleep in my bed each night)
Did you hook up with Ashley in the ocean earlier?
Gosh you're an asshole, will you help me get the sand off my ass in the shower
Ok Come On
Legit the most bizarre version of Hunger Games I can think of. However Maddie is about to spike the football.
“Can you ask the waiter for some ice” she asks in a unexpectedly seductive tone.
“Yea sure, no problem,” slightly confused as I grab the attention of our waiter who is more than happy to run over knowing that she is about to make her month off this one tab. (When you got T Fresh and Freddy ordering Prime Rib like its going out of style and enough Rum and Cokes that arguably made a dent in KO’s Q4 earnings)
“A bag? For what?” I mutter even more confused
She replies trying to loudly whisper in my ear “For my pussy”
I am just a pawn in this game and we have to award 100 points to Maddie for taking it to the next level and the waiter did exactly as I asked. She brought out a fucking bag of ice and Maddie sat through the entire dinner like she was just crowned Miss USA with her pussy ice as Ashley and Nicole sat back concocting their revenge.
(not even kidding, she sat like this for the entire dinner)
All in all the first Trading Experts trip was a great success, we (Shake and myself) as well as for the members were able to truly see first hand how we acted as a family. This was a vacation with 15+ complete strangers who all got along and formed lifelong bonds. There were a few lessons that we learned the hard way which we will tweak in the future.
- Never offer all inclusive, we spent 5X on each member versus what they paid simply because we underestimated how much people can drink when they know the tab is covered
- Leave the valuables at home
- Don't black out on the day you're leaving or you just might end up missing your flight or walking through Newark Airport shoe less
The $30,000 question was it worth it? Fuck yeah and the next trip will blow Puerto Rico out of the water (might be too soon for that joke).